Confession Time: Here's What I'm Really After

It’s interesting how desires shift with time.

As a high schooler there was a part of me that desired to be a pastor who was “known” to some degree. Someone you could google and everyone wanted to invite to their church to speak. I desired a faithfulness that was synonymous with notoriety.

Admittedly there’s still a part of me that wants this.

But as I’ve matured there’s something else I’m after.

A lesson from Eugene

While alive Eugene Peterson grew tired of a vision of Christianity like the one my younger self sought.

He lamented pastors who measured faithfulness by the size of one’s congregation. His heart broke at fellow Christians who were more interested in being right in their judgements than loving in their actions. He became tired with a faith that rewarded Christians with the largest following, not the ones with ordinary obedience.

At one point he wrote this in his journal,

“I guess what I am mostly interested in these days is holiness. I am on the watch for saints….I want to be a saint.”

Holiness became his deepest desire.

Selling more books or speaking at more conferences wasn’t his motivator.

Union with God was.

Sainthood was his aspiration.

To be a quiet saint

These days I’m finding myself more drawn to this image of the faithfulness.

A life marked by slow, loving union with Christ. And less by quick, highly visible faithfulness. I’m craving a simple life of ordinary discipleship marked by small acts which usher in the kingdom. What Peterson elsewhere calls “a long obedience in the same direction.”

My desire is for sainthood.